Arsenal face Tottenham this weekend and there’s much talk about the return of Harry Kane, who returned from injury after spells on the sideline.
“Shocking photos emerged this week of the Tottenham striker, Harry Kane, achieving something far more impressive than his two goals in six games this season – he’s finally able to close his mouth.
The Spurs man, known for his unfortunate expression which makes him appear three goals short of a hat-trick, was pictured MULTIPLE TIMES, with his mouth firmly closed.
Speculation is rife as to the reason behind these latest developments.
One suggestion is that Kane has benefited from drinking horse placenta, which helps to tighten the cheek muscles to hold a slack jaw closed.
Another report suggests that simply reading a children’s book, such as TJ and the Penalty (RRP £5.99 from all good bookstores), for five minutes per day for a week can, in rare cases, cure someone of the gormless expression which Kane usually displays.
The injured striker is believed to have purchased the full TJ collection during his recent layoff.
Tottenham’s treatment team were unwilling to comment on speculation. However, the marketing department at Lilywhitescum House confirmed to Daily Cannon that the England man would be elevated to the position of cover star in the new 2017 calendar as a result of his new visage.
Kane had previously spoken of how his confidence had been knocked as a result of being unable to fully close his mouth.
For the sake of Kane, we hope these new developments are permanent, and the striker can focus on missing open goals instead of worrying about catching flies.